Friday, 3 June 2011

They say that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.

Today I woke up, and I felt empty inside. This isn’t the first time this has happened recently, in fact for the past few months this is how I've been feeling every day. I keep trying to pinpoint what is making me feel this way, blaming it on the fact that I hate my job. Then blaming stress, and then blaming anything I could that wasn't the truth. However the fact of the matter is, I’m feeling empty because the person that I loves.

I remember when we first started dating, everyone said it wasn't going to work out. No one believed that we would survive this kind of relationship. But still, here we are, you and me together still. But I'm starting to get scared that we're not the same people anymore. That we have lost the spark. That the fire that burned passionate in our hearts, now is only a fire that's burning us in a hurting way.

We've loved and laughed, sang silly songs, we've cried and yelled, we've said some hurtful things to one another. I've been stubborn and a pain in your ass at times. You've been selfish in such selfless ways and a complete asshole in a few moments. We have together dealt with stalkers, bad timing, relapse and judgment, among many other obstacles. You have been there for me in so many ways and I can only hope I have helped you in others.

Our first looks at each other, our first conversation, our first text message and our first real talk. I'll never forget. Never forget the feelings and how perfect everything was. We could be awake and talk about everything until the next morning, we could talk on the phone for hours without having any words left to say and we could lay down for a very long time and just stare into each others eyes without saying anything. It was love. Real love.

We became closer and closer and when i thought it couldn't be better he whispered the three most beautiful words in my ear. He whispered "I love you" with a tear in his eyes and said that he never thought he could have this feelings for anyone. It was the best moment of my life. I was in love. Terribly in love.

We talked about how our apartment would look like, what name our baby should have and then we laughed for hours about what we just said. We talked about everything and we laughed, cried and did things together. That was life. You were life. You were the best boyfriend ever and everything would have been meaningless if you weren't in my life. I would go to the moon, travel round the world and count all the stars. Just for you.

We were so equal you and me, but different at the same time. We had something that other people just could dream of.

I'll never forget how you said I was beautiful when i looked the most terrible than ever. And I'll never forget how special you made me feel. You had girlfriends before but I was the only one you fell in love with and I was the only one you ever cared about.

Every time I got a text message from you my heart stopped and every time I saw you called me I got a smile on my lips. You were mine.

But things changed. I can't count the sleepless nights and how many tears that have fell down on my cheek. I can't count how many times my heart got in thousand pieces and when everything felt meaningless. I have been so loved by you, but you have hurt me so badly at the same time. I never thought we would come to this part in our relationship were we don't show any respect and neither can live with or without each other. But now we stand here and don't know what's right or wrong. The only thing I know is that I'll always love you, no matter what.

I just want you to know that with every "I love you" you say, brings much comfort in the fact that for that day i knew your heart is still mine.

Basically, I wish that you loved me more.
I wish that you needed me.
I wish that you knew when i said two sugars, actually i meant three.
I wish that without me your heart would break.
I wish that without me you'd spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat.
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.


Anonymous said...

jika aku tahu cinta kau akan disia-siakan, aku tentu akan menjagamu hingga jantungku terhenti. sungguh aku menyesal. -GLBRT ERN

eylin said...

aku tak kata secara terus cintaku disia-siakan. kau tak payah nak menjaga tepi kain aku lagi.

Anonymous said...

aku bodoh persiakan kau. betapa istimewanya kau di mata ku, kalau ku diberi peluang sekali lagi aku akan menjagamu & menyintaimu sampai akhir hayatku. aku tahu aku takkan beroleh peluang itu lagi, aku cuma boleh mengharap bahawa dia menjagamu sebaik mungkin, menyayangimu sepenuh hati & memanjakanmu seperti puteri kecil. jika dia persiakan & tidak hargai kau, dia sangat bodoh dan tuli sedangkan kau terus setia meskipun berlinang air mata. Selamat berbahagia SAYANGKU.